I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
