toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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