I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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