Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
