Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize