I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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