So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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