I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
