I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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