the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
