Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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