Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize