i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize