Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
