I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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