Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize