Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
