i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
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