My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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