Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
