Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize