You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
We need to get me chipped asap
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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