the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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