Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just invented taco cereal.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
