i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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