he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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