Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
