i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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