She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Sacagawea was the original milf.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
