Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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