I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
