I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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