trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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