I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
