They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
