I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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