The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
