I smell stomach acid.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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