we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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