Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
did you get engaged???
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
