I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
being pregnant is like rehab
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
