You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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