How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You are a genius and a whore.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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