Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
