just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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