My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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