Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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