hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize