I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
