I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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