Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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