she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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