foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
