i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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