i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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